To celebrate National Poetry Month 2019, I'll be sharing a few pieces I've been writing. I competed in slam poetry performances, including Brave New Voices in 2011 and 2012 and a few open microphones in Cleveland.

4.8

is it psycho
to feel emotions and absorb them
photosynthesis but of people
both grandeur and horrid
almost like dancing in stately manors,
chandeliers sparkling crystal while predators
watch from the shadows to steal you away.


I feel auras,
like tangible little baubles above the heads of people. Some dangling like Christmas lights you’d put in a college house.
Others like anvils inches from dropping upon them.
Color spilling out and drenching their bodies
like egg yolk dripping.
It’s like some superhero power unimpressive against fantasy


People with good intentions fact check their actions, pondering whether or not they could be better


Evolving fast like lizard spine on Galapagos,
Shedding old patterns and forming new designs of
emotions years ago I cannot find again
Nectar pooling in a brain that has changed ten times over since
A bauble not broken, but cracked slightly old porcelain filled in with obsidian and gold

Back when I was younger (as in two years ago), I was going out three or four times a week for casual margaritas and happy hours. I wasn’t working an aggressively early schedule and could afford to be up late spilling tea while low-key spilling water all over the table. 

Just this week I managed to sit down with two good friends, both of which who I’ve known for about six or seven years. One is more like a mentor to me, the other a respected colleague. Since we work in similar fields, they’re the kind of friends who can understand career advice better then if I were to talk to my friends in business and health.

“When I know how to do something, I do it.” I explained with confidence while dipping some plantains into queso fundido. “And I do it again and again. But when I don’t know something, don’t know how to do it, I balk. I just do what I can.”

I’ve known this weakness about myself for a long time. But I’ve slowly realized it’s less of a personal weakness and more of a universal truth. The unknown is scary, and while the end result of something is gorgeous the journey can be tedious, harmful or filled with a bunch of little spikes ready to prick your toes like leftover legos scattered on the floor.

I’ve been flirting with the idea of doing stand-up for years and I’ve finally gotten to the point where I’m going to make it happen in 2019. But at the happy hour (and as I write this), I admit: I have no clue what I’m doing. I have an idea of what I need to do, but no clue how to execute it. And the end goal, of me on stage making a doofus of myself sounds awesome. But the journey to the destination is a quagmire of ‘is this right?’, ‘is this how I do it?’ or ‘what’s the technique I need?’ 

And hearing the stories of my friends over happy hour made me appreciate my journey and their own. One friend turned nothing into her own freelance operation which is blossoming due to her hard work and skill set. My other friend is turning work problems and family distress into laughter and strength. And here I am, complaining that I don’t know how to look for an open mic night and toss my butt on stage.

There were a few more topics which came up, including another direction I wanted to pursue with my free time. Ironically, the following morning I got an email that was like a sign from God. It was an opportunity I wanted to explore, one I had mentioned just at the happy hour the previous day. All I needed to do was do what I knew: reach out to the email. The unknown…well that would be handled as I went. 

In moments of rain, the times when it’s easier to look for protective cover (like doing what you’re used to), or standing in the water (flailing under the pressure of who you want to be or what you want to do), the easy choice is to drown. But instead, look to the rain for energy. Look for the lightning that sparks the sky, contrasting against the dark colors with a flash of light. That might not be the forever answer, it might not be the exact destination. But it’s certainly a sign of something…even if that something still feels muddled in the rain.

THEORY:
1. Best Friends: These are the people who you see all the time, you text all the time. There is a constant ebb and flow between you and this small category. You’re living their lives almost as your own and vice versa. These people are the first to receive important news, difficult dilemmas, the first you think of when it comes to social activities. In a way, these are the people who you have chosen to be a ‘family’ with. Of course, best friends don’t have to interlock with each other. But yet they still create a family of yourself. Best friends don’t necessarily remain your best friends. You don’t need to know someone for ‘x’ amount of years. They can reach this point quickly and like a song, fade away in popularity or by chance. Usually one can pinpoint three to five people at one time in this category.


2. Close Friends: These are friends who are important to the concept of who you are, but for some reason or other have failed to end up in the penthouse. This can be due to a variety of reasons: their significant other bothers you, they move out of state/country, they don’t work with you in the same office, they get married, they have a family, a significant event happens which impedes the relationship. There’s plenty of reasons why these friendships becoming the supporting role. In many ways, the close friend and best friend mirror each other except for the intensity and consistency.


3. Great Friends: If we are to go by ‘starring and supporting’ as the distinction for Best and Close, we might go with ‘secondary’ or ‘minor’ for Great Friends. These are people who you think about and still contact, but they are not top of mind. You’re reminded of Yolanda because you see an event she’d like. You call Frank because he shares a random interest that you too like. You hang out with Fred because you work together and get along decently. These relationships aren’t the ones you decide to pursue deep attachment to. They might not be your bridesmaid or groomsman, they might not be the first that comes to mind for social visits. But they play roles in the movies of our lives, even if it’s just for small periods here and there.


4. Friends: This is perhaps where the intensity truly does turn. Friends is a blanket term for this entire theory, but what does it mean to just be friends? In the context of this theory, friends are just that: average. You’re friendly, you’re nice. But you might not hang outside of work, you might not know deep material about them. You might go to a festival or a concert with them, but you’re not hanging out all the time. There are almost sub-genres here: the friends you go to for work advice, the friends you go to for parties, the friends you go to for homework help, etc. These are connections, the embodiment of the midway between a strong and weak tie.


5. Casual Friends: Casual friends are almost a friend or they might be a friend of a friend who you might see here and there. You know enough about them to have a discussion with or hang out in the group setting. There’s nothing to this friendship which implies strength between two people. You’re friendly, but you’re not friends. You might see each other often enough but there’s yet to be a connection. Unlike acquaintances, you’re either seeing them more often or you know more about them.


6. Acquaintances: Acquaintances have not much to offer except their name and a few casual facts if that. While there is a mystery to a 'referenceable' (the next ring) or a factor of the unknown, you have met an acquaintance. You might forget due to poor memory or you might know only one fact about the individual: ‘Oh, Shelly how are your plants doing?’, ‘Carmen, do you enjoy your work in insurance’. There are some acquaintances who move up the chain quickly, but some people might spend decades in your life as an acquaintance. They are the most minor of minor characters, the kind of people who are but a small asterisk. You might not even consider these people are a part of your life yet they make up the largest circle yet.


7. Referenceables: These are people who could be ‘referenced’. You might not know their name, but you might recognize them from the office. You see them at the gym, the grocery. You attend the same church but have never shared a church doughnut. These are people who you might be likely to introduce yourself to over a pure random stranger. People who you might provide an off the cuff response, such as ‘nice weather we’re having’. To others, this person might be more than a ‘referencable’, but to you, they are a reference: ‘she works in marketing’, ‘he might have gone to college with me’, ‘he goes to the same bar as me’.
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The rest outside these circles is ‘the unknown’, the largest circle perhaps. These are people you have never met, passerbys you don’t know. There is no reference to these people, no way for you to casually know them. The only way they move forward is an introduction to becoming an acquaintance or as a ‘referencable’. No doubt this is the largest category, although it could be argued that because there is no friendship between the individual and the ‘unknown’, it’s not part of the theory. And while I wouldn’t consider it a layer, I would consider this the backdrop for all relationships.

This is a tale about choosing your own adventure and a practical stranger. My friend Dee wanted to have a night out with her friends, and I couldn’t help but throw out this concept of ‘Bandersnatch’. So what did that mean? 

In the movie, Black Mirror: Bandersnatch, viewers choose their own adventure; twisting and influencing the movie to your own will. So in real life, we were going to mimic the choose your own adventure motif. This night out would be based on last-minute group or personal decisions and see what comes of it.    

Real life doesn’t have a return button where we can go back and change decisions. Choices blossom in a linear strand, even though Bandersnatch promised viewers the ability to redo decisions. Unless we’re part of a simulation, there’s no way for us to rewrite what we make of it. We can speculative parallels, but cannot live through those different scenarios.

But enough pop psychology.

We gathered at Dee’s place which was a cozy downtown apartment. Dee’s mesh of friends drank together peacefully. Perhaps it was liquid silver, but I felt like I could talk to anyone in the room. Dee’s low-key romantic interest was there (SPOILER ALERT: he deserves no name in this story).  Present was an unorthodox amount of White Claw (not complaining) and the temptation to create our night to our whims and dreams.

Or so you think.

A friend of a friend, let’s call her Jean, had invited herself, tagged along or maybe even just happened to walk into Dee’s apartment and decided to stay. Jean was like an invasive species: she just didn’t fit in with the biome and began damaging the pre-existing structure (yesss spill that B-grade biology). 

She was instantly aggressive like a helicopter mother in a parent-teacher conference. Jean told one girl that veggie chips were sodium pipe-bombs and told another girl that she didn’t believe in women’s rights. The sodium comment was uncalled for, but the women’s rights things…I mean, what?

While everyone else was enjoying the time (and was normal), Jean decided to call her boyfriend. Jean and Jean’s Boyfriend apparently had gotten into a fight today. Maybe she had yelled at him for having a sodium-saturated snicky-snack like veggie chips? 

While Dee played some bangers, the whole party could hear the shouting from the bathroom. Turns out, Jean and Jean’s Boyfriend got into another fight. 

“**** you, and **** your mom too.” Was the only confirmed exact quote I could get this for this blog.

In retaliation, Jean slammed her wine glass against the wall of the bathroom. Not sure how that was revenge against the boyfriend who was in Lakewood. But OK Jean.

I have a tendency to dramatize things because I get easily bored and need to be stimulated like some middle school punk. But I’m serious about this story. Multiple pregame witnesses recall Jean slamming that wine glass against the wall like it owed her money. Not only did she damage property but she left the glass on the floor of the bathroom. Let me add that it was a TILED BATHROOM. Cleaning glass from tile? I’d rather move to a new apartment.

After Dee cleaned up the shrapnel from the bathroom it was time for us to Uber to the bar. Because there were twelve of us, we divided into three teams for an impromptu Amazing Race. The destination: Map Room. My team arrived first and we surrounded the back corner of the bar counter. Everyone joined, all was well, etc. etc. 

But perhaps things were too peaceful for Jean. Even though Jean had argued with the Uber driver and argued with the bouncer to Map Room, Jean was hungry for more altercation. She was like a debate student who would do anything to win for her preppy private Ivy League school. 

Unbeknownst to anyone, Jean had decided to play conquistador and conquer by approaching a table of people.

“I’m taking this table, we need this table.” 

Jean didn’t need to fight for the table for a few reasons. One, there were plenty of tables. Two, we didn’t need a table, we were comfortable at the bar. But the best reason: the people at the table were LEAVING!

But Jean’s nasty attitude had stirred up anger within them. Meanwhile, across at the bar, someone had bought me a gin and tonic. In this emergency situation, I had to buy myself a long island because like a New York socialite I like my drinks sweet. I spun on my shoes and arrived to straighten the situation whilst double-fisting.

Of course, I threw Jean under the bus: I didn’t know her, she wasn’t my friend, and she was wrong and mean. The table of innocent bystanders hadn’t lobbed personal attacks. But Jean had gotten personal right off the bat like Babe Ruth.

“You’re 23 and you need botox.” Jean snapped. Not only was this not true, but this girl was a hundred times more beautiful then Jean’s very tired early 2000s attire.

Thankfully the situation deescalated. I didn’t see Jean for the rest of the night. My close friend Dee’s low-key romantic situation ghosted her that night at Dive Bar (it was shocking at the time, but we were at Dive Bar…). So Dee and I got pizza while she sat shellshocked about what had happened.

“Do you think he would have ghosted you if we hadn’t gone to Dive Bar?” I asked, dabbing the pizza with grease as if that was truly going to the calorie difference I needed for this pizza to become healthy. 

We don’t often think about how small choices played out. Maybe if Jean hadn’t been such a glass-slamming, name-calling (enter word of choice here), she would have made new friends. Maybe if she had separated her anger from her boyfriend and strangers, she would have enjoyed the night out. 

But our own choices: of double fisting a gin and tonic with a long island, my friend Miranda’s decision to talk to some random guy, Dee’s decision to pursue this (enter another explicative here), going to Map Room, going to Dive Bar, getting pizza…these all made a single strand. It’s like one carpet fiber from a whole list of possibilities. 

The following morning was Bandersnatch Brunch. It was there that we got the hot gossip on what had happened to Jean. Jean had gone over to Jean’s Boyfriend’s house, punched a window, kicked down a door, got the cops called on her and needed stitches.

We also found out she worked at a TOP BANK IN THE CITY. Let’s just say the ‘young professional’ that she is on Linked In was nowhere to be found. 

More recently we found out Jean had left Cleveland. And no matter where she is, I hope she’s learning to Bandersnatch with less authoritarianism. Cause who cares what small decisions you make at the end of a night out. The big decisions about one’s person are much more important. 

This trippy little number seriously gives you some massive wings. Songs like these prove the magic and beauty of electronic music with multiple arpeggios dancing to delight to from pure heaven.

Okay, I'll be honest. Would never have guessed TOTO to be on this list ever, but they're feature makes the electronic rock sound absolutely explosive. I feel the energy, the emotion and lowkey want to get down. What So Not takes the credit, it's his musicianship which takes the cake on this dessert.

High As Hope marked a minimalist direction for Florence and company, and this album opener really only has one weakness: the fact that it's not a five minute epic like the rest of F&TM's songs! Between the crescendo, the beautiful lyrics and that ending build-up of drums and her cry of 'you're so high'...well, it makes me want it to be June all the time.

I'm not really looking forward to the robotic rising, but this song actually makes me feel more okay about the automaton takeover. Diplo's production mimics Daft Punk but had a bit more future 80s in there, while Poppy's Deadpan truly works. The breakdown (or is it more, breakup?) with the clock really sells the temporality that the time of human is coming with apocalyptic beats. 

From the first second to the finale, I indeed feel that I am surrounded by water. The haunting children's choir alongside the sharp blade-like synth work really take this track to feel like you're drowning, if not from the concept but from the immense sound. 

Trap music has moved from rap to the realms of pop, but it's artists like Lykke Li which can use their sad girl persona to make a trap pop bop. It's the kind of song I can play in the late night car ride, or in the backyard pool party. It's a song that makes me feel as wild as the teenager I was or was not or even a person in their mid twenties. Don't forget that catchy chorus, this was one of my songs of the summer due to its atmospheric high.  

There is something both familiar and new within Metric's "Die Happy" off their amazing 'Art of Doubt' album. Like the album title suggests, the imagery provokes the unknown. Lines like 'still drinking that kool-aid like it's free' pokes out the feature which manifested itself so much in the last few years; the imbibe of the dangerous to our own unknown. Fascinating. Besides, the pre-chorus, chorus, post-chorus punch will leave you flat on the floor.

Timeless and fresh, new and old, leather and lace...Lord Huron plays on the juxtapositions through this folk ballad. It's punchy enough to make you emotional, tangy enough for a sultry dance and deep enough to contemplate the sadness within. "I hear the river say your name,
By the stars above, I know we were in love..." may come across cheesy to you (not me!), but when delivered in this song really set up a visual tale worthy of the folk-western band.

In the era of #MeToo and the continuing discussions of sexual assault and abuse, this song runs almost parallel by tackling the subject of feeling worthless by a man who ought to 'treat me like church'. Alison Wonderland says she's not religious, but thought about the comparison of treating her worth like a holy temple. You have to wonder how many people have a similar statement for those that don't treat them as sacred; or even worse, those who are treated more poorly. If one is not being treated like a church, then what are they? A building? A house? A highway? A doormat? The choices are endless. But for Alison Wonderland, her feelings of hopelessness transform into a demand that she deserves more than a second-rate bargain. And it's done in a catchy trap pop bop way.

This song is everything, like an everything bagel. It's pop, it's funk, it's R&B, it's electronic. Janelle sings, she raps, she states, she hums. The fervor or Dirty Computer comes to a very confidant tounge-and-cheek with the establishment. It's practically the song pointing at the adversary and saying, "If you're going to do what you want, I'm going to do what you want". Janelle's dirty future is painted with oppression, but this songs as revolution through sexual blossom. I've been playing this throughout the year and everyone who heard it found something to grab onto it. Whether it's the sexual nature, the melody or simply the state of the world, this song takes the cake on my 2018. 

Yesterday on Matt's Gamut I played through my top twenty songs with American themes, and here's the final result! 
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Summer is finally here, and that means strong yet light cocktails are the way to go! And while I was dog sitting for my friend, I happened to cook up one heck of an early summer delight!

Weekend at Michelle's

Served over ice.

*2 shots of Triple Sec
*1 shot of Gin (if you don't like gin, just use three shots of triple sec, or otherwise just do a splash of gin!)
*Fresh lime juice
*Watermelon Cucumber Juice (if you think the cucumber is too much, feel free to use watermelon juice! But the cucumber gets washed out by the stronger flavors but manages to leave behind quite the refreshing aftertaste.

Garnish with a lime, no need to mix or shake! 

I'm not a huge gin fan, but I think this is a perfect drink! The orange, watermelon and lime (and even a little bit of the cucumber) blend very well. Enjoy this drink on the porch and drink quickly so the ice doesn't melt! 

Janelle came out as pansexual, and the album and visual accompaniment displays her sexuality. But it is not Janelle’s sexual orientation which is spellbinding. It is the intimacy, the desire, the action of her sexual soul which is the most intense. ‘Make Me Feel’, ‘I Got That Juice’, ‘Crazy, Classic Life’, ‘Screwed’, ‘Pynk’ and ‘I Like That’ all detail intense affection, sexual confidence, sexual craving, animalistic desire, soft sensuality and sexual pride. These are all traits that are empowering, no matter the sexuality of who is behind  them.
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On ‘Crazy Classic Life’, Janelle paints out her desire to, well, have a ‘crazy, classic life’ (I know, kill me for being obvious). But the outro paints a picture of how as a black woman, she will be viewed at differently for her experiences versus a white boy. Me and you was friends, but to them, we the opposite/ the same mistake, I’m in jail, you on top of s—-. It reminds me of ‘kids being kids’, yet black kids are systematically blamed more for their crimes. And in these moments, you find yourself thinking more of the present then of Janelle’s future.
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